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The Shittery: A Lexicon of Modern Trumpspeak

May 13, 2019

(From Total Sh*t Donald Trump, available as a free ebook here)

Donnie’s shit so permeates every aspect of our lives that he is turning America into a total shittery, a place so muddied by browns that even familiar shit can be unrecognizable. This Shittery will help you get your bearings in our Trump-centered world, providing explanations for how and why the shit truly hits the fan. Just below it are some un-shitty bonus definitions. 

We welcome suggestions, revisions, and insertions. Email paul@paulorwell.com 

A

AIN’T GOT / Ain’t got shit on me: Trump’s position on Russia 

ALL OVER / Shit all over: Donnie trolls latest target 

B

BAD / Bad shit: Trump not happy 

BANG / Bang like a shithouse door in a gale: door noise as fired staffers exit 

BARR / (i) complete idiot (ii) current Attorney General BE- / Beshits: soil with presidential 70 BE- / Beshits: soil with presidential excrement 

BEAR / Does a bear shit in the woods?: Does Trump fabricate facts? 

BEAT / Beat the shit out of: punishment meted out to dissenters at Trump rally 

BED / Shit the bed: Donnie tweets in the morning 

BETWEEN / Stuck between a shit and a sweat: Republicans facing re-election 

BIRD / Stick that bottom lip out any further and a bird might shit on it: Trump pouts at Merkel 

BRAINS / Shit for brains: matter inside Trump’s cranium 

BREATH / Shit breath: Donnie needs Tic Tacs 

BRICK / Shit a brick: start building The Wall 

BRICKHOUSE / Built like a brick shithouse: able to withstand caravans 

BULL / Bullshit: only language Trump speaks fluently 

BURGER / Shitburger: dinner ordered for college football championship teams 

C

CANNED / Shitcanned: fired while literally sitting on toilet, e.g. Rex Tillerson 

CAT / Slicker than catshit on linoleum: Sarah Huckabee Sanders 

CAT- / cat-shit crazy: DJT after unfair segment on Fux News 

CHEAP / Cheap shit: Trump-branded rubbish meant to evoke wealth 

CHOCOLATE-COVERED / Chocolate-covered shit: sweeten it up, swallow it down! 

CREEK / Up shit creek: our environment at present; both water and climate not good 

CROCK / Crock of shit: Barr’s summary of Mueller report 

D

DADDLE / Shitdaddle: run away from the president 

DEEP / Deep shit: Trump thinks for a second 

DIP / Dipshit: stock market goes down after a Trump tweet 

DOG / Dogshit: women Donnie finds unattractive 

DUMB / Dumb shit: Donald J. Trump 

E

EAT / Eat shit: work for POTUS 45 

-ERATI / Shitterati: celebrities attending the 2016 inauguration 

F

FACED / Shit-faced: Trump after applying tanning lotion 

FAN / When the shit hits the fan: Trump bodyguard punches protester 

FIT / Have a shit-fit: Donnie reads bad press 

FLIES / Like flies on shit: religious right visits White House 

FOR BRAINS / Shit-for-brains: Tillerson’s assessment of Donnie 

FRIGHTEN / Frighten the shit out of: Russian pee-tapes 

FUCKING / Fucking shit: Trump has extramarital sex 

FULL OF / Full of shit: 2+ days since Trump had bowel movement 

G

GET / Get one’s shit together: prepare for deposition 

GIBBON / Shitgibbon: Trump explaining himself 

GIVE / Give a shit (or two shits): POTUS 45 does not 

GIVE SOMEONE / Give someone shit: be Donald Trump 

GOT / Got the shits: Trump gets letter from the Southern District of New York 

GRIN / shit-eating grin: Donnie after Mueller report 

H

HAPPENS / Shit happens: Trump’s work philosophy 

HEAD / Shithead: golden hair on pate 

HOLE / Shithole: any country in Africa 

HOLY / Holy shit: The Pope; Donnie calls him “disgraceful” 

HORSE / Horseshit: Trump University coursework 

HOT / Hot shit: (i) Trump under a sunbed; (ii) attractive female to Donnie 

HOUSE / Shithouse: Mar-a-Lago 

HUMAN / Shitty human: Donnie 

I – K

IGNORANT / Ignorant shit: Stephen Miller 

IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD / Shit in your own backyard: pro-Trump rally in your home city 

JACK / Jack-shit: what Donnie gives to charity 

KING / King Shit: Donald Trump 

L

LIST / Shit list: (i) Democrats who annoy Donnie; (ii) loyalists who contradict him 

LITTLE / Little shit: Marco 

LOT OF _ TO DO / Lot of shit to do: many attorneys to speak to 

LUCK / Shit out of luck: Trump’s casinos close down 

LUMP OF / Lump of shit: Donnie MEAN / Mean shit: (i) Robert Mueller; (ii) lie 

N

NASTY / Soft as shit and twice as nasty: Trump in bed 

NO / No shit: Trump out of office 

NOSE / Shitnose: head up Donald’s rectum, e.g. Barr, Bolton, Jared 

O

OH / Oh shit!: realization on waking that it isn’t a dream – Donnie is POTUS 

OLD / Old shit: Donald Trump 

-OSPHERE / Shitosphere: within farting distance of DJT 

OUT OF LUCK / see Luck 

P

PACK UP / Pack up your shit: electoral result of 2020 

PANTS / Shit one’s pants: defeated by Nancy Pelosi 

PAPER / Shitpaper: Washington Post, New York Times 

PIECE / Piece of shit: any Democrat in Trump’s eyes 

PIG / Happy as a pig in shit: Stephen Miller 

PILE / Pile of shit: inbound mail to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue 

PISS AND CORRUPTION / Shit, piss, and corruption: Donnie’s daily routine 

PUSHING UPHILL / Pushing shit uphill: reasoning with Donnie 

R

REMEMBER / Can’t remember shit: Trump under oath 

RICH AS / Rich as shit: as rich as Donnie, i.e. not that rich at all 

S

-SACK / Shit-sack: Donnie’s physique 

SACK DAY / Shit-sack Day: holiday celebrated after Trump loses, retires, or is impeached 

SACK OF / Sack of shit: Donnie’s physique 

SAME OLD / Same old shit: another day in the Oval Office for Donnie 76 

SANDWICH / Shit sandwich: squashed by Donnie on the mattress 

SAUNA / Shit sauna: Trump’s tanning bed 

-SCRAPER / Shitscraper (i) Trump Tower at 725 5th Avenue, New York; (ii) metal bar to remove shit from boots 

SCENE / Shitty scene: Donnie explaining to wife where he has been and with whom 

SHERLOCK / No shit, Sherlock: Donnie to Mueller 

SHINOLA / Know the difference between shit and Shinola: Trump doesn’t 

SHOOT / Shoot the shit: apprehend illegal immigrant with gun 

SHOVEL / Shovel shit: hold press conference for Donnie 

SHOW / Shitshow: The Apprentice 

SNIFFLE / Shit sniffle: subtle sign that Trump’s parking a turd 

SOFT / Soft as shit: Donald Trump without an election/erection 

SQUIRREL / Nuttier than squirrel shit: Ben Carson 

STACK / Didn’t know you could stack shit that high: (eventual) realization of Rex Tillerson 

STAIN / Shit stain: self-tanning lotion on clothes 

STINK / His shit doesn’t stink: Trump guarantees it 

STIR UP / Stir up shit: send a tweet 

STIRRER / Shit-stirrer: New York Times 

STOMPERS / Shit stompers: supporters at Trump rallies 

STORM / Shit storm: Hurricane Maria 

SWEATS / Shit sweats: what congressional Republicans feel when defending their man 

T

TAKE / Take shit from: remove papers from Resolute desk 

THE / The shits: (i) feeling after listening to Donnie; (ii) the Cabinet 

-TER / Shitter: place where Donnie tweets 

THICK / Thick as shit: born with Trump’s intelligence 

THROW / Throw shit against the wall: manhandle a protester 

TICKET / Shit ticket: Trump + Pence for 2020 

TON / Shit ton: large number two 

TOO OLD / Too old for this shit: Steven Bannon 

TOUGH / Tough shit: President Putin 

TRUMP- / Trumpshit: pure presidential excrement 

TURNED TO / Turned to shit: Donnie touched it 

U – Z

UP TO YOUR NECK IN / Up to your neck in shit: investigating Donnie, e.g. New York district attorney 

WEIRD / Weird shit: POTUS 43’s opinion of POTUS 45’s inauguration speech 

WENT OUT / Went out to shit and the hog ate him: staffer went to see POTUS and got fired 

WRITES ITSELF / This shit writes itself: ink from Steven Miller’s pen 

ZERO / Zero shits given: Trump aid to Puerto Rico 

(From Total Sh*t Donald Trump, available as a free ebook here)

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About the Author

Paul Orwell is the pen name for a businessman who openly admits to benefiting from Republican tax cuts. He's also an immigrant, but the kind the current US President is just fine welcoming into the country.

Orwell has lived in London, New York, Moscow and Washington DC and yearns for an era where political conversation and bi-partisan compromise are possible.

He is eagerly looking forward to the Midterm elections and enjoys Tchaikovsky, the Kansas City Chiefs and California reds.

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