(From Total Sh*t Donald Trump, available as a free ebook here)
Donnie’s shit so permeates every aspect of our lives that he is turning America into a total shittery, a place so muddied by browns that even familiar shit can be unrecognizable. This Shittery will help you get your bearings in our Trump-centered world, providing explanations for how and why the shit truly hits the fan. Just below it are some un-shitty bonus definitions.
We welcome suggestions, revisions, and insertions. Email paul@paulorwell.com
A
AIN’T GOT / Ain’t got shit on me: Trump’s position on Russia
ALL OVER / Shit all over: Donnie trolls latest target
B
BAD / Bad shit: Trump not happy
BANG / Bang like a shithouse door in a gale: door noise as fired staffers exit
BARR / (i) complete idiot (ii) current Attorney General BE- / Beshits: soil with presidential 70 BE- / Beshits: soil with presidential excrement
BEAR / Does a bear shit in the woods?: Does Trump fabricate facts?
BEAT / Beat the shit out of: punishment meted out to dissenters at Trump rally
BED / Shit the bed: Donnie tweets in the morning
BETWEEN / Stuck between a shit and a sweat: Republicans facing re-election
BIRD / Stick that bottom lip out any further and a bird might shit on it: Trump pouts at Merkel
BRAINS / Shit for brains: matter inside Trump’s cranium
BREATH / Shit breath: Donnie needs Tic Tacs
BRICK / Shit a brick: start building The Wall
BRICKHOUSE / Built like a brick shithouse: able to withstand caravans
BULL / Bullshit: only language Trump speaks fluently
BURGER / Shitburger: dinner ordered for college football championship teams
C
CANNED / Shitcanned: fired while literally sitting on toilet, e.g. Rex Tillerson
CAT / Slicker than catshit on linoleum: Sarah Huckabee Sanders
CAT- / cat-shit crazy: DJT after unfair segment on Fux News
CHEAP / Cheap shit: Trump-branded rubbish meant to evoke wealth
CHOCOLATE-COVERED / Chocolate-covered shit: sweeten it up, swallow it down!
CREEK / Up shit creek: our environment at present; both water and climate not good
CROCK / Crock of shit: Barr’s summary of Mueller report
D
DADDLE / Shitdaddle: run away from the president
DEEP / Deep shit: Trump thinks for a second
DIP / Dipshit: stock market goes down after a Trump tweet
DOG / Dogshit: women Donnie finds unattractive
DUMB / Dumb shit: Donald J. Trump
E
EAT / Eat shit: work for POTUS 45
-ERATI / Shitterati: celebrities attending the 2016 inauguration
F
FACED / Shit-faced: Trump after applying tanning lotion
FAN / When the shit hits the fan: Trump bodyguard punches protester
FIT / Have a shit-fit: Donnie reads bad press
FLIES / Like flies on shit: religious right visits White House
FOR BRAINS / Shit-for-brains: Tillerson’s assessment of Donnie
FRIGHTEN / Frighten the shit out of: Russian pee-tapes
FUCKING / Fucking shit: Trump has extramarital sex
FULL OF / Full of shit: 2+ days since Trump had bowel movement
G
GET / Get one’s shit together: prepare for deposition
GIBBON / Shitgibbon: Trump explaining himself
GIVE / Give a shit (or two shits): POTUS 45 does not
GIVE SOMEONE / Give someone shit: be Donald Trump
GOT / Got the shits: Trump gets letter from the Southern District of New York
GRIN / shit-eating grin: Donnie after Mueller report
H
HAPPENS / Shit happens: Trump’s work philosophy
HEAD / Shithead: golden hair on pate
HOLE / Shithole: any country in Africa
HOLY / Holy shit: The Pope; Donnie calls him “disgraceful”
HORSE / Horseshit: Trump University coursework
HOT / Hot shit: (i) Trump under a sunbed; (ii) attractive female to Donnie
HOUSE / Shithouse: Mar-a-Lago
HUMAN / Shitty human: Donnie
I – K
IGNORANT / Ignorant shit: Stephen Miller
IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD / Shit in your own backyard: pro-Trump rally in your home city
JACK / Jack-shit: what Donnie gives to charity
KING / King Shit: Donald Trump
L
LIST / Shit list: (i) Democrats who annoy Donnie; (ii) loyalists who contradict him
LITTLE / Little shit: Marco
LOT OF _ TO DO / Lot of shit to do: many attorneys to speak to
LUCK / Shit out of luck: Trump’s casinos close down
LUMP OF / Lump of shit: Donnie MEAN / Mean shit: (i) Robert Mueller; (ii) lie
N
NASTY / Soft as shit and twice as nasty: Trump in bed
NO / No shit: Trump out of office
NOSE / Shitnose: head up Donald’s rectum, e.g. Barr, Bolton, Jared
O
OH / Oh shit!: realization on waking that it isn’t a dream – Donnie is POTUS
OLD / Old shit: Donald Trump
-OSPHERE / Shitosphere: within farting distance of DJT
OUT OF LUCK / see Luck
P
PACK UP / Pack up your shit: electoral result of 2020
PANTS / Shit one’s pants: defeated by Nancy Pelosi
PAPER / Shitpaper: Washington Post, New York Times
PIECE / Piece of shit: any Democrat in Trump’s eyes
PIG / Happy as a pig in shit: Stephen Miller
PILE / Pile of shit: inbound mail to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
PISS AND CORRUPTION / Shit, piss, and corruption: Donnie’s daily routine
PUSHING UPHILL / Pushing shit uphill: reasoning with Donnie
R
REMEMBER / Can’t remember shit: Trump under oath
RICH AS / Rich as shit: as rich as Donnie, i.e. not that rich at all
S
-SACK / Shit-sack: Donnie’s physique
SACK DAY / Shit-sack Day: holiday celebrated after Trump loses, retires, or is impeached
SACK OF / Sack of shit: Donnie’s physique
SAME OLD / Same old shit: another day in the Oval Office for Donnie 76
SANDWICH / Shit sandwich: squashed by Donnie on the mattress
SAUNA / Shit sauna: Trump’s tanning bed
-SCRAPER / Shitscraper (i) Trump Tower at 725 5th Avenue, New York; (ii) metal bar to remove shit from boots
SCENE / Shitty scene: Donnie explaining to wife where he has been and with whom
SHERLOCK / No shit, Sherlock: Donnie to Mueller
SHINOLA / Know the difference between shit and Shinola: Trump doesn’t
SHOOT / Shoot the shit: apprehend illegal immigrant with gun
SHOVEL / Shovel shit: hold press conference for Donnie
SHOW / Shitshow: The Apprentice
SNIFFLE / Shit sniffle: subtle sign that Trump’s parking a turd
SOFT / Soft as shit: Donald Trump without an election/erection
SQUIRREL / Nuttier than squirrel shit: Ben Carson
STACK / Didn’t know you could stack shit that high: (eventual) realization of Rex Tillerson
STAIN / Shit stain: self-tanning lotion on clothes
STINK / His shit doesn’t stink: Trump guarantees it
STIR UP / Stir up shit: send a tweet
STIRRER / Shit-stirrer: New York Times
STOMPERS / Shit stompers: supporters at Trump rallies
STORM / Shit storm: Hurricane Maria
SWEATS / Shit sweats: what congressional Republicans feel when defending their man
T
TAKE / Take shit from: remove papers from Resolute desk
THE / The shits: (i) feeling after listening to Donnie; (ii) the Cabinet
-TER / Shitter: place where Donnie tweets
THICK / Thick as shit: born with Trump’s intelligence
THROW / Throw shit against the wall: manhandle a protester
TICKET / Shit ticket: Trump + Pence for 2020
TON / Shit ton: large number two
TOO OLD / Too old for this shit: Steven Bannon
TOUGH / Tough shit: President Putin
TRUMP- / Trumpshit: pure presidential excrement
TURNED TO / Turned to shit: Donnie touched it
U – Z
UP TO YOUR NECK IN / Up to your neck in shit: investigating Donnie, e.g. New York district attorney
WEIRD / Weird shit: POTUS 43’s opinion of POTUS 45’s inauguration speech
WENT OUT / Went out to shit and the hog ate him: staffer went to see POTUS and got fired
WRITES ITSELF / This shit writes itself: ink from Steven Miller’s pen
ZERO / Zero shits given: Trump aid to Puerto Rico
(From Total Sh*t Donald Trump, available as a free ebook here)